Conspiracy Theory #479: It's the light bulbs

See that nifty new counter up there in the masthead? Isn't that cute? My high school graduate helped me figure it out. Of course, the word count creeps along slowly - OBVIOUSLY figuring out that counter was more important. Now, if only I could find which widget it is that would allow me to "facebook" my blog...

Regular readers will know of my love of consipracy theories absolute conviction that conspiracy theories are valid. My most recent suspicions involve the government's current jonesing for CFLs, which stands for Compact Flourescent Lightbulbs. (I think. I know for SURE it has nothing to do with the Canadian Football League) In Canada, plain old 65-cent lightbulbs will eventually become illegal. (Use of them will be policed by the same agency that comes and takes your bed away if you rip the DO NOT REMOVE tag from your mattress.)

They want us all, everyone in the whole True North Strong And Free, to use those spirally things that are better for the environment and supposedly cost less in the long run. Although, of course, I don't think they're going to be lowering the price of electricity or anything. And since this is the True North Strong And Free, the way they get us to do things is to MAKE us do things, by making the alternatives impossible, illegal, or both.

Or something like that.

I am suspicious of the lightbulbs. They look like antennae, and I'm convinced that it's a secret plot on the part of the gov't to monitor the goings on in our homes. Or maybe it's not the government, but Bill Gates. 'Cause you know, someone's watching. I'm pretty sure.

Last week, Middle took part in something called Operation Porchlight. This is not, as the title would suggest, a venture where kids go door to door stealing porchlights. No, instead, they hand out free CFLs. And my suspicions were further deepened when I read the box on my free lightbulb.

"Conforms to FCC standards. May interfere with telephone, satellite or Internet reception."

Or something like that.

Ha HA! I said. Proof - "they" are recording what we're doing. Possibly so that they can send us coupons that are specially targeted to the products we use. Or find out if we're sending emails that talk about world domination.

And then there is the time change. I can accept that my computer knows to change the time. After all, it is connected, via this lovely ethernet cord, to the Internets. And my cell phone obviously has to connect with a satellite sometime, so it knows too.

But my alarm clock? This fancy-schmancy alarm clock that my mom got us for our anniversary? How did IT know? It's just plugged into the wall. And since the public utility is still patting themselves on the back for managing to deliver electricity without it costing jillions of dollars per kilowatt, I doubt it's mastered sending coded messages.

This alarm clock is a little frightening to begin with. It's got the traditional snooze button on top, but it also has a SENSOR - essentially, you can just wave at the clock and the alarm stops buzzing. Sounds cool, right? Perhaps. But very, very dangerous for a sleepyhead like me. Now, instead of flinging off the covers, leaping out of bed and delivering a satisfying SMACK to shut the thing up, I sit straight up and appear to be having a seizure every nine minutes as I flail my arms wildly in the air until silence is delivered.

Or something like that.

I took the CFL out of my office light. It will have to be satisfied to report to whomever's listening that the folks at Chez Haggert spend Sundays watching back-to-back episodes of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody while the woman still in bed waves her arms in the air. Which should reassure them that world domination isn't likely to be attempted around here anytime soon.

Or something like that.

Comments

[Angelica]

I'm at 700 words!! I stopped thinking and started writing.

[kim]

Not to mention that the light that they give off is less than...enlightening. We switched most of the household bulbs last year, and my office was the last to be done. It is dark in there. Even with 3 bulbs...i am thinking i am going to stock up on the illegal kind...
(visions of me standing in a trench coat on the corner, whispering...HEY, wanna buy a light bulb?)

[Linda Sherwood]

I can't help but read Kim's comment and think of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine was deciding if a guy was worthy of using her stock of her sponge birth-control. ;-)

Kid's room? Not worthy. Office? Definitely.

[kim]

Are the light bulbs preventing you from posting?

[kim]

knock-knock....
Anybody home????

[Middle]

It was called Project Porchlight, Mama.
You know, paranoia is a sign of insanity in your old age.
<3
Love,
Middle