There've been a number of things running through my head lately (oh, who am I kidding? When isn't there?) It's times like these, that, more than ever, I feel the need to write - to get what's inside my head out there, to say all the things I'm thinking and feeling. Unfortunately, it's also times like these when I find it most difficult to write. Sentences need beginnings and middles and especially endings, and my thoughts rarely run in nice straight lines - they tend, instead, to spider-web out in ninety-nine different directions. No beginnings, no endings, just strings that tangle and knot and meld into one another.
A few weeks ago, I came across Bub and Pie's Dear Me post, and followed the link over to Miscellaneous Mom. And in doing so, found a method for something I've been wanting to write about for a long, long time. Ironically, the Letter To Myself below has both everything and nothing to do with all that's in my head today.
From: Generation Xhausted, March 2007
To: Shelley Anne, June 1983
Dear Me:
You probably haven't yet heard the saying "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but it's true. And what you're going through right now isn't going to kill you - but it's going to take a long time before the strength part kicks in.
I know that today was an awful day for you - the worst yet. After months, even years, of schoolyard taunting and teasing, of being excluded, of having friends you trusted turn on you, of the occasional punch being thrown - today was the first day you will remember being truly afraid.
Today, seven girls in your sixth grade class backed you up against the school wall, stood in a semi-circle so you couldn't escape, and told you exactly why they think you're a worthless excuse for a human being. They shoved you occasionally for emphasis, and you could feel the brick wall biting into your back, oddly cold for a summer day. The way the brick felt? You'll remember that sensation so vividly that you'll avoid even casually leaning up against a brick wall for the next 20 years.
The way they got right up in your face, their mean little self-congratulatory smiles to each other - that'll stick too. You're going to go through your teens and twenties being afraid of people who smile at you, suspicious of groups of people who seem to share a secret you're not in on.
I don't want to frighten you further, but it's not going to get better, not right away. You're going to go to a new school and some of the same things are going to happen, although not quite as extreme. A little over a year from now, you're going to walk briefly on the bully's side; and for years you're going to sub-consciously adopt a "get them before they get you" approach to your relationships.
High school won't be horrific, but it won't be that Sweet Valley High experience you thought was coming your way. Your whole sense of who you can trust, and why, has been completely turned upside down. Your need to be liked is going to lead you down some pretty iffy paths, and you're going to make some pretty crappy choices for all the wrong reasons. There's going to be a little place in your heart that stays afraid - of everything. A hundred forms of fear will be your biggest motivators.
Not to mention the control issues - oh, the control issues! The more things you can't control, the harder you're going to try with the things you can. In the absence of visible adversaries, you're going to turn out to be your own worst enemy.
Would you believe there's a bright side? Trust me - it's there.
Because in another part of your heart and mind, there's something very interesting going on. The world outside you is so hard to make sense of that you're going to start creating better worlds, and better stories, with better endings, inside your head. And you're going to discover that you're good at it.
You're also going to be pretty independent - years of not trusting people will give you a sense of self-reliance that's going to come in handy.
In every good story, there's a crossroads up ahead. You're going to come upon yours in your early 20s.
The path you choose will confirm what you knew - what the people who really love you have been telling you - all along. Those girls? They were wrong.
You're not worthless, you're not nothing, and your back's not up against a wall anymore.
You're going to find empowerment in the way you have with words, and you're going to find better motivators than fear. You're going to find you have a big heart - that "get them first" attitude is going to fade away, replaced by "do no harm." And you're going to be earnest and intense about the things that really matter to you - and that's a good thing.
But you won't ever forget. You'll see articles and headlines about kids suffering what you suffered, and you'll want to tell them, "Hang in there." You'll cry when you read about kids killing themselves to escape the misery of being bullied. You'll read about the Columbine shootings, and you'll understand their rage, and thank God that you found a better way. And when your own daughters come home from school with tales of being harassed and hassled, it's going to push every button you have, and you'll react with the instincts of a mother bear. You'll go to the wall for your kids to try to protect them from those feelings of fear and helplessness. You'll struggle to find the words to help other people understand. This will frustrate you, but you'll keep trying.
It's all about progress, not perfection. Some people would call it growing up. But maybe it's just growing. Getting to the point where you realize that your experience shapes you, but it doesn't have to define you. As the author of your own story, you have the ability to write any ending you choose. You'll choose a good one.
What else can I tell you? Pretty soon, you're going to find a poem in a magazine, and cut it out and put it on the fridge, and eventually commit it to memory. It will help.
Don't Quit (anonymous)
When things go wrong as they sometimes will.
When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill.
When funds are low and the debts are high.
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh.
When care is pressing you down a bit.
Rest, if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns.
As everyone of us sometimes learns.
And many a failure turns about.
When he might have won had he stuck it out:
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow –
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out –
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are.
It may be near when it seems so far:
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit –
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.
So hang in there, little girl. Remember - it's all going to be okay in the end. And if it's not okay, then it's not the end.
Love,
Me
