Family gathering tonight, with the "other" side of the family. No, not the outlaws - this was my dad's side of the family, a group of people I've always known, but from whom, somehow, I became seperated by time and distance and circumstance. It's only recently that we've become reacquainted and tonight was the third gathering of the gang since June. The raison d'etre for tonight was my aunt's and uncle's and other uncle's birthday. (but not mine - more on that later)
I spent my early years spending much time with my cousins on that side of the family. We all, more or less, lived in the same neighbourhood, and were generally the same age. Perhaps we didn't see them as often as I remember seeing them - memories are strange that way. It's hard to know if there were many fun times, or just a few that have some how broken apart to seem like several. Regardless, I knew them, and they knew me, and Christmas and birthdays always seemed to include them one way or another. There are pictures in my mother's albums: Teri and Shelley on the swing set, Teri and Jamie and Shelley playing dress up, Teri and Shelley at Grandma Girard's.
But somewhere along the way, the threads that bound me to them stretched or broke, or something. After my parents' divorce, I didn't see them much anymore, and after my father's mother died, I saw them even less. My dad was not one to go out of his way to connect with his family, and as we grew, those cousins and aunts and uncles became people I ran into occasionally at the mall. There were times I was sure that if I saw them on the street, I wouldn't recognize them or they me. It's an odd feeling to know that there are people you're related to living in the same town, growing up and getting married and having babies, and yet you hardly know them at all.
So I don't know when, or why, or how it happened, but there it was - a whole part of my family who had continued not just to be related to one another, but to relate to one another, but without me. I didn't feel deprived or orphaned or anything - my mother's side of the family is very close, and the love and security and companionship I got from them was many, many times the amount that some people get their whole lives. It never felt like I was missing anything.
So last spring, my father's brother died, and because I am an adult and try to do adult things, I went to the funeral. Although I hadn't seen my uncle in several years, it felt like the right thing to do. And in the end, it was.
Uncle Bob's death, I think, made everyone stop and think a little bit about who we were and how we connected to one another. And my aunt and I decided that the patterns of the past didn't have to be the patterns of the future. There was an entire generation of children growing up not realizing that there were all these cousins and aunts and uncles, and maybe we should do something about it.
So they opened the door, (not that it was really shut) and I stepped through it. And since then, we've been invited to family get-togethers and my girls have gotten to make friends with a whole new group of cousins, and I've gotten to get reacquainted with mine. While I never felt like there was a piece missing, it certainly has felt, since then, like I've gotten this extra piece added.
As the women sat around the table this evening, and talked of diets, and childbirth, and school fundraisers, I realized that they're a part of me too. I can see in their faces and hear in their voices, pieces of who I am. Just as I fit perfectly with my mother's family, so too do I fit with my father's. Kind of makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.
I think the biggest thing has been realizing that being a part of my father's family doesn't make me any less a part of my mother's. I don't know if it's something that all children of divorce feel at some point or another - it's just the way I felt. When I was younger, I felt like belonging to that side of the family, enjoying their company, was somehow disloyal to my mom and all that she gave me. It's only with maturity that I've realized that it's okay to belong in both places - it's not a matter of choosing sides or preferring one over the other.
In the last few months, I've wondered why, exactly, there was so much seperation between us for so long. But I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter - what matters is now, and what's to come. And so far, it's looking good.
So, my birthday kind of got overlooked - maybe because it's 20 years since they were around when I celebrated. My aunt did mention it tonight, and maybe next year it will be different. It's early days yet, and we're all getting to know each other all over again. That's ok. There's time.
Middle daughter exchanged phone numbers tonight with one of the other little girls who's just her age. She's always been oddly placed in the rest of the family - the cousins are either younger or older than her, or, in the case of the outlaws, too far away. So coming home, she said, "I'm so glad I have a cousin."
And if that's the only thing that ultimately comes from reconnecting, then we're doing pretty good.
