Pass me a glass half-full

Earlier this week (or late last week maybe?) it occurred to me to blog about the Mommy Madness kerfuffle sparked by Judith Warner, and her upcoming book.  All the cool kids were doing it, so I was tempted. In the end, I did not, in large part because there was nothing I could say that did not either A) - repeat what had already been said by many, or B) - sound like I was judging, on some level, some mothers. And B) is something I try very, very hard not to do.

Sparked originally by that whole "judging" thing, a popular blogger began a thread about "mommy drive bys" and asked readers to share with her their experiences of having their parenting practices criticized or questioned.  We all have those stories, right? From the fairly innocuous "you have THREE? I'd lose my mind" to  the more hurtful "You should burn in hell for bottle feeding", we all have a "wait 'til you hear what someone said to me" story.

As of my last visit to Getupgrrl's site tonight, 308 women had shared their "drive-by" experiences.

Three. Hundred. and Eight.

And yet...

I don't have one.

Now, I've been a parent for fiteen years. And I'm willing to bet that, in that fifteen years, roughly half of the people I've encountered disagreed with half the parenting moves I made. (and the other half disagreed with the OTHER half of the parenting moves I made) It's ridiculous to think that every person I've come in contact with since becoming a parent has been flawlessly non-judgmental, perfectly tactful, and not the least bit intrusive. In other words, if I were to write here that no one has ever treated me to what Grrl refers to as a "drive-by" I'd be lying.

But I don't remember any of them.

They didn't sink in.

Here are some of the things I did absorb:

"You're doing a really good job with those kids."

"I like the way you handled that/responded to/dealt with/..."

"I like the way your kids did....Can you tell me how you...?"

"I'm really impressed with the way you're doing...."

Like all mothers, I am not perfect. And there is no shortage of people who wouldn't hesitate to tell me so. They probably do, I just don't hear it.

To me, the sad part of Getupgrrl's post is that the impact of negative remarks has stayed with 308 (and counting) people for so long. I know that the point of her post was to highlight how much criticism mothers get. Point made.

Was also proud of the moms over at Getupgrrl's who admitted - they could see themselves making some of the same comments.

But maybe - just maybe - if we didn't take the negativity to heart, if we didn't allow the criticisms to have so much power over us, we'd feel a whole lot better about what we're doing.

Maybe that's the point behind Mommy Madness after all-  that even if we don't do it to ourselves, we allow others to do it to us and we do it to each other.

There may be some who disagree. They will deny that someone else's negativity had any impact on them. But you know, if you're still carrying around what your mother-in-law/sister/cousin/neighbour/friend said to you one, five or ten years ago, and you can still repeat it today, maybe it did.  And I'm suggesting this: let it go. Forget about it. You let it in one ear, now it's time to let it go out the other.

Way back, like a million years ago, when I first met Kim, she accused me of wearing rose-coloured glasses. (actually, I think she asked to borrow them)  And she's not the first one to have done so. I often ask my children, "Tell me something good that happened today." It's a very Pollyanna way of living, I know, and some days it's really hard to keep walking on the sunny side of the street, but it works for me.

My most favourite part of my job is listening to parents tell me what they like about parenting. Whether they're breast feeding, bottle feeding, working in an office, staying at home, co-sleeping, homeschooling, using formal day care or sending the kids to Grandma's once a week, I can always see something good in what they're doing, and I tell them so.

I doubt it will generate 300+ comments (though it would be great if that were the case!) but I'd like to know the opposite of what Getupgrrl asked:

Tell me something positive someone said to you about your parenting choices/style. I'd like some reassurance that we can carry the good stuff around for as long as we do the crappy stuff. And then give yourself a pat on the back, to go along with the one that person gave you.

And if you can't remember one? Well, here's one from me to you: Parenting is really hard, whether you have one kid or ten. Consider yourself patted on the back for signing on for the job in the first place.

Comments

[AGK]

I think, for ME, the negatives sunk in because that was how I was raised - on negative feedback. It's the positive that I have the hardest time holding on to, because I'm not used to it. That may hold true for many out there.

[Kim]

Apparently, you still have them rose-coloured glasses. That's okay, Paul can get them at work now. I have many drive-by memories but I have some good ones too.

For instance, about three years ago the street was ripped up for sewer installations and the bus was re-routed. My kids had to walk to the corner on the other end of the street to get the bus. Two of the retired ladies on the street told me that I have the politest boys ever. Not only did they say "hi" (which they tell me, most kids do after a prompting from the adult) but they asked how the ladies were doing and actually stopped to listen.

Have no idea how they got that, but showing interest in seniors who live by themselves has to be good for my kids and the seniors.

[Jennifer]

A couple of weekends ago, the hubby and I decided to go antiquing. Our daughter is 3, but she came along anyway (we tend to do stuff where the whole family can go, rather than dropping her at a babysitter anyway). She knows that she's not to touch things mommy and daddy tell her not to touch. Most often we tend to house-proof or store-proof the child than child-proof our surrounds (except for the really dangerous stuff like knives and electrical outlets).

In the one antique shop, the clerk complimented us on how well behaved our Smudge was (in other words, she wasn't racing around all the EXPENSIVE antiques and raising cain), and that she wished her own grandchildren were half that good. She just seemed so surprised that a three year old could wander around looking at old stuff and resist the urge to hide in a wardrobe or jump on a bed. (I think the fact that the store owner had strategically place small dog and cat statues specifically for the kids to pet had a whole lot to do with it)

I know I preened all the way home after that praise.

[Linda Sherwood]

I had a drive-by on my blog comments about my oldest daughter from someone at her summer camp last year. A substiture teacher has also made very nice remarks about my son, as does his normal teacher. School admin have all said very nice things about my kids and today all 4 of my kids were rewarded for their good behavior last month by participating in a Pajama day party.

I've gotten the other type of drive-by comments too and you can't always ignore them.

[Grace]

The other day as I wandered through Target with my son. When something caught his eye, he'd stop and look and then move on. Two older ladies were near us watching him. As they walked away, one said "It's nice that you're letting him explore. He's really good about not touching things."

Last week when I speaking with my daughter's preschool teacher, she told me that my daughter is "such a great listener" and that "she includes anyone who wants to play." That was wonderful to hear!

[AGK]

Something positive and good: I don't really doubt how I am as a parent, despite the bad drive-by comments I've received over the past 14 years. I DO think I'm doing a great job. And I DO get constant compliments about my children, be it how well-behaved they are, how kind-hearted they are, how smart they are, etc. I know for each compliment about them, it's a pat on the back for me, because I'm the one raising them.

[Crystal]

I've had people tell me how polite and well behaved my kids are. Their step-grandmom visited for the first time last weekend, and was amazed at how well behaved they were at lunch in a resteraunt. I think the most touching moments have been from complete strangers when I was at my worst. In a store or parking lot, one twin running one way, the other heading the opposite direction, or a similarly horrific moment. There have been a couple of kind strangers who noticed me about to cry and struggling, and stopped to give me a hand, tell me they've been there. That's always nice.

[Ann D]

There have been a number of occasions when I've been having a really tough time with one of my kids and a friend has made a point of saying, "You know what? You're doing a great job."

That little bit of encouragement when you're feeling at your lowest means soooooo much.

[Laura]

I've had lots. My mother complimented me on how smart my kids were. She said, well, some of it's genetic, of course, but you've obviously done something right.

People tell me all the time how well-behaved my kids are and how well they get along with other kids. The teachers at the after school program tell me how good my son is at chess as if I had something to do with it.

[Kristin S]

I've had several friends comment on how nice my kids are, but on those days when I just feel torn down I know I can call my mom and dad for encouragement. For example, we went out to see them one weekend and when I got home there was a message on my voicemail from my dad. He just wanted to let me know how much fun they had visiting with the kids. He also went on to say the he and my mom talked about how great my hubby and I are with the kids and that I always seem to keep my cool (as a sahm that's a must) when they do get a bit fiesty. It's the comments like that that stick with me. Have I been hit with bad comments? Sure, but I can't really remember any of them well enough to relay. I guess I just get mad, let it flare up and then burn out and go on with my life knowing that I am doing the best that I can for my kids.

[Wendi]

I LOVE it when people tell me anything good about my kids. Like when they tell me how polite they are. What a kind heart my daughter has, how quick-witted my son is...How intelligent they both are!

My sister tells people all the time that she thinks I am a terriic Mom and that always makes me feel Great!

[Rachel]

I admit, I'm definitely one of the 308, but part of the reason is simple. As the parent of a "special needs" child who is not obviously (on the surfcae) such, I get *a lot* of comments. Tons. Really. It sucks. And well, I get really, really tired of telling absolute strangers, with a smile, "She's autistic."

As for nice things?

We are routinely told at restarants, etc. what a sweet, pretty, well-behaved child we have. When my husband and I go out with out her to a restarant we frequent, we are often met with sad looks because they won't be seeing "your sweet little girl."

I admit, on the whole they nalace each other out, but it really, really does still burn.

[Jennifer]

I was just saying today, after receiving a positive parenting comment, that I have no illusions about being the perfect parent. I make sure they know they are loved. Beyond that, it's a wing and a prayer.

I love your perspective here, rose colored glasses or not. I hold the firm belief that choosing expressly to avoid the sunny side of the street results in becoming a negativity magnet and a cycle surges that just won't quit. It's a choice, finding the positive. It's a choice, seeing the good. It's a choice, taking someone else's misguided judgements for what they are and being wise/strong/confident enough to set them aside, where they belong. So kudos to you for this. It's a brilliant twist on the self-fulfilling prophecy concept.

All that said (sorry for the borrowing the soapbox), the best comment I ever received that relates to my parenting skills came during my daughter's first annual review at her first post-college-real-live job. Her boss told her, "I don't want you to ever leave us." I realize this was all about her, but still. You know? I couldn't help but bask in a wee ray of reflected glory.

[nina]

The two times that I have flown with my son (both long flights), I received compliments from other passengers about how well behaved he was. Makes all that work I did to keep him entertained worthwhile.

[zee]

Me, I take the good and the bad. The good, however few they may be, do outweigh the bad. And I'm glad I'm not keeping count.

[Tammy]

Hi, This is my first time here, Java Diva sent me. Thanks for reminding us to look at the brighter side!
My "best" positive moment was recently. My daughter had been sick, and I had to call the nurse at our health center. Despite being pulled from her home on the weekend, the nurse was cheerful, and seemed genuinely glad to have a chance to catch up with my family. As I was leaving, she ran out of the building after me, and said "I just wanted to say, you are doing a great job with these kids. It shows, and you need to hear that sometimes." She was right. I needed that more than anything, and it still warms my heart to think of the day.

[Hula Doula]

Recently I had a family member and hubby that do not have children come to me and tell me that they totally respected what we are doing with our children. They appreciated the loving support but also the consistency of our discipline. They also told me that they absolutely loved our children and it was a pleasure doing things with them. Also to top it off they told me that our children were children but well behaved. Honestly, I cried...and cried a little more.
I called them back a few day later and told them that their comment was so lovely and so supportive and I appreciated that.

[Gaele]

No real comments positive or negative. However, am a single parent with no support from her father, and she is 17, graduating high school, with 8 uni acceptances in her portfolio, including the schools she wanted. Shes well-liked and respected by staff and students at her boarding school, babysits for several teachers, is given the keys to the school, and entrusted with writing articles and representing them in various international functions. Somehow, I had a hand in that ... am exceedingly proud of her .. and proud of me.